Gettin' Married

Ok, I have a hunch that this post may turn out to be somewhat cheesy, cliche, and/or overworked. Frankly, I'm not really sure how one can philosophize about the topic of marriage without falling into cliches; there's two possibilities, really. This post will either conclude, "see, and that's why this wierd ritual called marriage is actually such a great thing" or "now you see why we should just get rid of the institution of marriage altogether, or at least radically re-vamp it." When it comes to marriage, both the believers and the skeptics are cliches. So, be warned: I'm not aspiring to writing here anything you haven't heard before.

That said, I have had a number of recent brushes with the topic of marriage (which encounters often take place at these odd little get-togethers called "weddings", which I seem to be going to a lot lately). In a week and a half, my family has their first: who knew that the youngest, my brother Chris, would be the first to go? As I was perusing their wedding website (very IN, the w.w.), I read that they first met (and this is true, I had just forgotten it) one decade ago. That's a long time, by anyone's standards.

Hold that thought, and add to it this: just had a conversation with someone who said that the last SIX weddings he has performed in which the b. and g. knew each other less than two years have already ended. That's a lot--and further, he has NEVER performed a wedding, in which the b. and g. knew each other less than two years, that has NOT ended in a divorce.

Ok, and then here's one more: two days ago I attended the wedding of some dear friends here in Austin. It's his second, her first. It was everything a wedding should be--gorgeous dress, late afternoon sunlight, damp eyelashes, virtuosic piano performances by the groom's mother, lots of young people, dancing, good food, free wine (well, free to me), and a moving message about how, when God created the world, one of the first things he did was make human beings to live in pairs. Perfect, huh? But yet, through the first portion of the ceremony, all I could think about was the many relationships, marriages and could've-been-marriages, that I know that are deeply, deeply broken. The thought running through my mind was, "romantic relationships and partnerships often (even when they last a lifetime) result in so much pain. So, why do we do this to ourselves?"

You may be asking, as you read, what I'm trying to get to here. Is it that marriage is hard, be careful, do a long engagement, marry that high-school sweetheart, or don't expect too much? Hmm. Is it that no one should get married until they are 100% sure they are ready? Is a couple's amount of "sureness" before the wedding even directly proportional to the eventual "success" of their union?

Married people reading this are probably saying to themselves, she clearly has NOT been married. And that is true. Not having been married, I have a tendency to think about it terms of formulae, success vs. failure, and good vs. bad. I've realized this recently, too--I've been living too long in the false belief that if I do good, both in marriage and in life more generally, I will avoid pain. But relationships (and again, life more generally) aren't really like that. Even if you did always know what was "good" every time, you would only sporadically be able to adhere to it completely.

So, return to the wedding. I think I got something, a message, a gift in that moment when my head was running around the same flagpole I know so well. I had this thought: with no brokenness, there is no redemption. With no hurting, there is no healing. With no pain, there is no sacrifice, with no sacrifice, no selfless giving, with no selfless giving, no love. I know this, and chances are good that you know this too, but somehow somewhere along the line we started working according to a different equation, that being smart, prudent, and good will "earn" us a get-out-of-pain-free card. But it doesn't, and it can't. Life is all ABOUT falling flat on our faces and getting it wrong.

How does this relate to weddings? Not sure yet. But looking at my friends Meredith and Jeremiah, jumping into something so ill-advised and yet irresistable as lifelong love and commitment, I did have this other thought: love (in the context of marriage, and in other relationships too) is not just for those who are wise, perceptive, type-A and capable enough to screw up less. It's for ALL of us. And it's worth fighting for. Not as some sort of wierd cultural ritual or some indulgence that if we were REALLY spiritual, we could live without; but as a grace, one of many rich and extravagantly confusing graces of which life is just chock full.

Let's fight for those graces. No matter what stands in the way.