p.s. on the ivory tower

I do, quite literally, mean an ivory tower:



This is where I work. 23rd floor. Window office.

How apropo.

update from the ivory tower.

This post is gonna get a little sociological, but bear with me... there's a point.

In the past century or so, sociologists have started to borrow a theory from economics, entitled "Rational Choice Theory." This theory assumes that social behavior can be explained in terms of individuals who have fixed sets of preferences who act in a rational way in order to achieve (or "maximize", as they say) these preferences. It's become a very popular theory in American social science today (we do cherish our "locus of control", after all).

Is anyone else as skeptical of this idea as I am?

I look at my own life and I see, um, a shocking lack of rationality. Quite simply, I know that I have made a lot of choices either using the wrong reasons or from incorrect information or just not "reasoning" about the choice at all. And even more numerous are the actions I never choose at all--automatic, immediate, instinctive, norm-driven actions (ex. I don't "choose" to respond when I run into a friend and they start talking to me--I just do it, no questions asked). And that's not even counting constrained actions, when the actions of others or the larger system leave me with no ideal options. I don't have a choice to be hurt or depressed or happy in response to some events--those emotions just happen.

Yet reason and rationalizing are realities as well. In my point of view, 9 times out of 10 my reason is a tool for, well, making up reasons why I did or will act a certain way. The reason is rarely the driving force of action--but it is a useful tool in creating viable explanations for our actions. A lot of psychological research (for example, split brain studies where the link between the "instinctive" right brain and the "rationalizing" left brain has been severed) supports this idea.

As I was thinking about this tension, though, it suddenly hit me: it's the whole predestination vs. free will debate all over again, just in different skin! Do we have any control over our own lives, or don't we? Whether the alternate option is God or social forces (in my mind, it's both), we know that there is a bigger reality outside of us that exercises considerable control over what our options are. Yet, we DO certainly make choices, and (from a biblical point of view) God judges us according to those choices. Neither of these two realities can be disproven--yet they have seemed impossible to reconcile. We hold them in tension, with extensive butting-of-heads. Obviously, since generations have strugged with this question, I'm not gonna solve it in a blog (though perhaps someone could leave the answer in a comment??).

But now, the point: appreciate with me this synthesis of life, that the same themes are played over and over again in different variations in this world, and that our common humanity connects ideas, groups, and philosophies--though we may often miss or obstruct these connections. If ivory tower sociologists and baptist theologians are essentially wrestling with the same questions....

well, then. It must all be connected.

new news, 2

Just to prove it about the babies, here are some pics: (and who doesn't love baby pics, riiight?)


this is a very close friend's (rachel) niece. She's the newest of all.


child of a former professor.


Olive- about six months new.

Helena-- not SO new anymore but c'mon... you see why I had to put her up.

and then, this:


This is from two years ago, when I had the privilege of helping dear Kelly and Jonathan birth their first baby. Most incredible thing. And they are expecting their NEW one any day now.

unfortunately I have few pictures related to new jobs or new engagements, but who wants to see those anyway? Babies are much cuter. Stay tuned for puppies and kitties.

new news

There's been a lot of new news floating around in my circle of friends lately. New babies, new engagements, new jobs, etc. Most of these people I've known from college, so about four or five or even six years. It is crazy to think back on where we all were at that time and how we thought about the future.... which is now the very real reality.
Today I also sorted through my old messages folder of my email account. Ladies and gents, we are talking 1500 emails from over the past four years. Obviously, I don't get around to email "folder maintenance" very often. Piddling emails, emails from people I am not in touch with anymore, significant "Surprise! I like you!" emails, painful miscommunication emails, "please forgive me" emails, emails with pictures attached, emails that made me smile, emails from friends being supportive and loving, emails from a friend no longer living, and emails from friends who have been hurt. It was like looking at myself of four years ago in quick freeze frames--who I was to those around me, what I was concerned with, what my life was made of. It was difficult, actually, to delete even the most minor emails; it was hard to shake the feeling that I was losing those parts of my past. Its kind of silly, though, because I am an avid journaler and literally keep every letter and card ever sent to me snail mail... so I have plenty of other avenues for returning to the college and post-college me. There's something about the emails, though-- how I have communicated new changes in my life with others and they have shared their news with me... how significant dates and events are reflected through dozens of seperate dialogues.

so... any one else got new news??? if so, send me an email-- I promise I'll keep it for the next four years.

Who says it don't snow in Texas?

... a lot of people, when I first arrived (in the middle of 100+ degree heat). but it appears they were wrong...


This is my front yard, by the way, and the next is the back...
My car, of course, is used to the stuff.




But the locals sure ain't. People in Austin like to keep a lot of stuff outside in their yards (both for decorative reasons and other ones that escape me), and so now they are out covering them all up with blankets.



I read that the last time it snowed in austin was valentine's day of 2004. As I took my walk around the neighborhood, a lot of people were outside or peering out of their windows at the snow coming down (really little ice-ball flakes). People were more friendly than usual... I would share little laughs with strangers as I walked by, knowing we were both so enjoying the time off from school, work, responsibility, normality, mundanity, etc.

Thanks, God.

Full Disclosure

So I have this problem. I pretend.

I pretend things are great when they're not. I pretend I wasn't hurt when I was. I pretend I'm not angry when I am. I pretend I'm not afraid when I am. I pretend that just THINKING about grieving a loss is the same as actually grieving. I pretend that I am very much ok on my own and don't need lots and lots of help to get through this crazy, convoluted, confusing life.

And probably the worst of all is when I pretend to God that I don't need to feel loved. Because I do. I very, very, very much do.

People have often said to me that childLIKEness is a virture, but childISHness is selfish and should be avoided. Yet I don't know very many four-year-olds who are childLIKE but not childISH. and Jesus didn't say, "suffer the little children to come to me... but only those that are good and don't scream or cry or kick or try to get their way." The problem is, as adults we see certain negative and humiliating behaviors as childISH--throwing a fit, demanding attention, screaming and crying; while as people of faith, we idealize other behaviors as childLIKE--perfect trust, ability to recieve love, lack of worry over the future or what the next day will bring. So, we try to achieve childlikeness while avoiding the "pitfall" of childishness. but in perfect honesty... I am now not so sure this is possible.

So today, I am letting myself be childish with God. I am demanding His love and I won't take no for an answer.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Some po'try

poetry, not poultry, that is.

MOMENT
moment
I check my pulse again
As we were trained
To be our own doctors.

Trouble
A compassion that feels like cruelty
And takes on a guise
Of torture.

Yet death lives in life
As life lives in death
And as these bedfellows live
So do I.
For even though for awhile death lives
Life never dies.

JOB
I will be silent
I'm declaring it now
The Lord of life spoke in the wind

I had heard of you, Great Being
But now I have seen
And so I shall not speak again.

New Year's Eve in Port Stewart

In a Northern Irish coastal village, in one of three pubs in town, last night four friends and I welcomed the new year. Outside, the British Isles were experiencing 80 MPH winds and many new year's celebrations were canceled due to the weather. Yet the faithful few, all decked out in glitter and makeup (that was the crowd--I myself was in my pj's), braved the wind and needles of rain to drink in 2007 and fake the words to "Auld Lang Syne." Friends, you can have your NYC and Syndey, Australia on New Year's-- give me Port Stewart any day.
After we left, a dare to take a dip at the beach led us to the Strand, a long strip of sandy coastline bordered by rolling green hills and warm, twinkling lights. We drove the car onto the beach and the boys ran into the low tide up to their ankles, while Rachel snapped shots of them in the glow of the headlights. The wind was still strong, and as I jumped out of the car, everything in me cringed and tensed. But I resisted the urge to jump back into the warmth. I stood up straight and drank in the wildness and freedom of the densely dark, windy, freezing night. A beach in Northern Ireland, thirty minutes past 2006, friends and hope and peace and beauty, in the middle of a wild storm.

Welcome, welcome, 2007.