Full Disclosure

So I have this problem. I pretend.

I pretend things are great when they're not. I pretend I wasn't hurt when I was. I pretend I'm not angry when I am. I pretend I'm not afraid when I am. I pretend that just THINKING about grieving a loss is the same as actually grieving. I pretend that I am very much ok on my own and don't need lots and lots of help to get through this crazy, convoluted, confusing life.

And probably the worst of all is when I pretend to God that I don't need to feel loved. Because I do. I very, very, very much do.

People have often said to me that childLIKEness is a virture, but childISHness is selfish and should be avoided. Yet I don't know very many four-year-olds who are childLIKE but not childISH. and Jesus didn't say, "suffer the little children to come to me... but only those that are good and don't scream or cry or kick or try to get their way." The problem is, as adults we see certain negative and humiliating behaviors as childISH--throwing a fit, demanding attention, screaming and crying; while as people of faith, we idealize other behaviors as childLIKE--perfect trust, ability to recieve love, lack of worry over the future or what the next day will bring. So, we try to achieve childlikeness while avoiding the "pitfall" of childishness. but in perfect honesty... I am now not so sure this is possible.

So today, I am letting myself be childish with God. I am demanding His love and I won't take no for an answer.

I'll let you know how it goes.